Forgive to Live!

To err is human, but to forgive is no just divine,

it’s life saving!

QUESTION: In the sermon at church this week, our pastor actually quoted you and said that forgiveness had many physical health benefits. Being a reader of this column, I decided to write and ask you to explain.

ANSWER: Your pastor is spot on. In my book Fit Over 50: Make Simple Choices for a Healthier, Happier You, my co-author, Dr. Phil Bishop, and I list “forgiveness” as the third of ten essentials for folks to be highly healthy. Here’s a significantly updated adaptation of what we wrote:

All of us have been wronged—have experienced unjust wounds. Unfortunately, some of us allow these hurts to grow into chronic anger, hostility, bitterness, grudges, cynicism, contempt, resentment, hatred, or victimhood we can’t, or won’t, leave behind. We are either unwilling or unable to get beyond our pain. We don’t understand that our unforgiveness is a slow, lethal toxin poisoning us from the inside out.

It’s not a small problem. According to one survey, 62% of American adults say they need more forgiveness in their personal lives. For anyone who has suffered because of another’s actions, we have this prescription: Make peace with your past. You must undertake the daunting task of learning to accept what you cannot change and letingt go of your pain and anger arising from the ways you have been hurt. In fact, the quality and quantity of your life may depend on it.

You must undertake the daunting task of

learning to accept what you cannot change and

letting go of your pain and anger

arising from the ways you have been hurt.

“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, MD, from Johns Hopkins. “Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.” On the other side of the coin, she points out that forgiving others “can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress.” Simply put, “Research points to an increase in the forgiveness-health connection.”

In addition, harboring anger, hurt, unforgiveness, or resentment gnaws away at a person’s happiness and health. One researcher concluded, “Failing to forgive, or unforgiveness, is the practice of engaging in ruminative thoughts of anger, vengeance, hate, and resentment that have unproductive outcomes for the ruminator, such as increased anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure, vascular resistance, decreased immune response, and worse outcomes in coronary artery disease.” A review article suggested, “It can sometimes seem like forgiveness is a concept from biblical times. But scientific studies suggest we should apply the act to our daily lives because it holds myriad health benefits.”

Mayo Clinic advises that forgiveness “brings with it plenty of health benefits, including improved relationships, decreased anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure, a lowered risk of depression, and stronger immune and heart health. Letting go of negative emotions can often have a remarkable impact on the body,” while the American Psychological Association reports, “Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health.”

Dr. J. Nick Pitts at Dallas Baptist University wrote, “When we fail to free others from the pain they caused us, we continue to hold ourselves captive to the pain that hurts us.” And he added, “As many have said before, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. A grudge offers us the chance at vindication, but it overpromises and underdelivers. In the biblical narrative, we read how bitterness takes root (Hebrews 12:15). Instead of letting it take root, don’t let the sun go down on the wrong (Ephesians 4:26).”

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison

and hoping the other person dies.

It’s as if all the research and all the experts are saying, “Forgive to live!” If you’re one of the many who believe the adage, “To err is human, to forgive divine,” take note that medical science is establishing that “To err is human, to forgive highly healthy.”

Unforgiveness (and its toxic ABCs: anger, bitterness, and cynicism) are among the negative moods that can be lethal. According to ScienceAlert, “Researchers found that people’s negative moods…were associated with higher levels of inflammation—the body’s natural immune response to injury and infection, but which is also a common hallmark of ill health and chronic disease.”

Even though 95% of Americans believe forgiveness is good, only 48 percent admit they usually try to forgive. But if you want to be highly healthy, you must acknowledge it’s not healthy or wise to foster anger, bitterness, shame, or regrets, and to withhold your forgiveness. Admitting you were wrong to hold on to these emotions is a form of confession. In the Bible, to confess is simply to agree with God that certain attitudes, emotions, or actions are wrong. We can begin to find healing when we simply agree we missed the mark, that we fell short. The Bible teaches, “If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

Knowing that the Creator of the universe, who designed each of us, is willing and able to completely forgive all our past wrongs, models for us how we can and should begin forgiving others who have wronged us. Jesus made this clear when He taught, “If you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” (Mark 11:15). He modeled this by asking God the Father to forgive those who were sneering at Him and mocking Him—even His executioners (Luke 23:34).

“If you hold anything against anyone, forgive them,

so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins”

If you need to confess any wrong to God, do so, knowing that with this confession comes forgiveness and cleansing. Afterward, thank God that He has forgiven your wrongdoing. You exhale (confess) the bad and then inhale the good (the forgiveness of God and your purification from all unrighteousness). It’s a form of spiritual breathing. Then, if someone has wronged you and you’ve never forgiven them, make the conscious decision to forgive them. You may even want to consider visiting or calling them to confess the anger or bitterness that has been in your heart and tell them you’ve forgiven them. They may not choose to receive the forgiveness, but if you’re giving it sincerely and with a pure heart, it will improve your health and set you free.

In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). Even if the fault is with the other person, for us followers of Jesus, it is our responsibility to attempt to heal the relationship.

I hope you are beginning to see that unforgiveness is lethal. On the one hand, you may be harboring resentment for a wrong done to you, but on the other hand, you may fail at asking forgiveness from others whom you have wronged. In that case, it’s your responsibility to go to them (or contact them if you can’t go in person) to admit your wrong and ask for forgiveness. I encourage people to ask, “Will you forgive me?” This requires a definitive yes or no answer and leaves no wiggle room for later doubt, especially when the reply is, “Yes, I forgive you.”

Of course, sometimes reconciliation, resolution, or restitution is impossible due to ongoing abuse or violence. In cases like these, you can pray for the people from whom you’re estranged and then leave the rest to God. Fix whatever is wrong if you can. However, if you are at fault, apologize. Accept any consequences that may result. Make restitution. Be an agent and ambassador of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:19-20).

To the extent it is possible on your part,

banish grudges and resentments—

let them go so you can be set free.

The bottom line is that to the extent it is possible on your part, banish grudges and resentments—to let them go so you can be set free. Make the conscious choice to forgive—even knowing that you may have to practice forgiveness over and over. Promise to forgive those who hurt you. Understand, though, that it may be difficult to forgive and forget. Rarely can one completely forget what happened. Prayerfully, over time, you’ll perhaps recall and brood over the injustice and hurt less often.

According to the researchers at Berkeley, “Forgiveness is the act of consciously deciding to let go of resentment or vengeance toward another entity who has harmed you in some way, whether or not they’re deserving of that forgiveness.” They add, “It does not mean having to forget or condone the wrongdoing committed against you.” Forgiving is a decision—an act of your will—but restoration of trust, by contrast, is conditional and takes time. The two are not the same.

It’s worth repeating one more time: Forgiving someone for something they have done against you, or to you, does not condone or sanction their behavior. It does not excuse them from their actions or even the consequences of their wrongs. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be cautious when interacting with this person. This complex process of forgiving may be less daunting with the help of a licensed counselor or therapist. As has been wisely said, “The first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, the first to forget is the happiest.”

“The first to apologize is the bravest,

the first to forgive is the strongest, and

the first to forget is the happiest.”

Making forgiveness a habit takes practice. In my experience, the emotional and spiritual healing that comes from forgiveness can only begin after someone makes the decision to forgive and follows through with that decision. Once the healing process begins, you’ll notice changes. Researchers tell us the changes forgivers experience filter into their beliefs, behaviors, and body and brain biochemistry. Even their facial expressions, posture, and body language can change. Their blood pressure and heart function improve. In other words, forgiveness can heal both the person who is forgiven and the person who forgives.

To become a highly healthy person physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually, you must practice forgiving. It has been said that justice is giving what is deserved, mercy is not giving what is deserved, and grace is giving what is not deserved. Highly healthy people are liberal dispensers of mercy and grace and let God be God as the judge and vindicator. By becoming a forgiver, your body, mind, heart, spirit, and soul will be healthier.